Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
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“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me