Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
This week’s mood.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas