My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)