Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
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Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.