[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?