The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
This squirrel eats better than I do
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.