haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
“Sheer Arrogance”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
cyclists
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I hate everything
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.