Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Meow
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying