I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
the world’s most popular steaming services
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
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6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.