sry
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My dress code is business-casualty.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.