My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
#damn
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Somebody’s lying.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*