imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?