A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock