I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*