I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep