so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
You Might Also Like
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind