You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
peak technology
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood