all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
the battle rages on
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.