Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.