A classic example of a cat being a cat.
You Might Also Like
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My flabber has been gasted.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck