People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
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ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman