Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
You Might Also Like
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…