Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
This has made my week.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Brother?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine