bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
You Might Also Like
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.