And now we wait
You Might Also Like
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
my first day as a raccoon
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
what the
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
iPhone X
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s