*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.