IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything