Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Happy weekend !
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
a lot to unpack here
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day