“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
You Might Also Like
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*jazz hands*
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
every single time
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.