What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Livid.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.