Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
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My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.