If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
こいつ天才
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?