“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
🏙👨🏼
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”