why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
three things we don’t talk about
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I told my vodka about you.