Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
You Might Also Like
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.