My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ