I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap