in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.