{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.