While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Not all heroes wear capes…
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
real
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.