[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Beware of the dog..
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother