*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
whenever i wake up before my alarm
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”