I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever