The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*Inspirational Tweets*
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit