We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
You Might Also Like
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.