me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Mornin
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….