I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
You Might Also Like
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
CRYING
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
R.I.P.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot