You Might Also Like
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
#MeanwhileInCanada
no such thing as a dumb question
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.