DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
the three branches of government
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
next level snooze
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way