With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
😆this is so true
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.